Friday, April 15, 2011

Dude, I Smell

Did you know that smearing aluminum on your body everyday can lead to Alzheimer's? Uh-huh, sure does. Why would one do such an asinine thing, you ask? Well, I'd be willing to bet that unless you are one of my Crunchy Ann Arbor Type Friends, you most likely smeared aluminum-laden Secret or Degree or whathaveyou on your pits just this morning, and are therefore increasing the probability that you're gonna end up losing your memory marbles sometime in the not so far off future. Doesn't that make you want to run to your medicine cabinet right this very minute and throw your deodorant in the f-ing trash? Well, before you swear off the evil stuff altogether, heed this warning: you will smell. Bad. You'll have Bo like you've never had before. You'll try Tom's Natural. Some magic crystal stuff that you have to lick prior to application. Straight up baking soda. Baby powder. Extra perfume. You'll finally realize that it's the Antiperspirant that has the memory sucking stuff, so you switch to plain deodorant, which they only make for men, by the way, because there is no way in hell that a woman should ever ever perspire. So you'll be elated that you've found the solution, even though you walk around smelling like Old Spice. This'll work...for awhile. But then, you'll be right in the middle of an indoor soccer game and you'll realize that Bo is definitely back--with a vengeance. Oh, just a fluke, you'll think. An extra hard game with no subs. But then the next day you're at work and you catch another whiff of Bo. You quickly slip your hand up your shirt sleeve and brush your fingers against your pit ala Mary Katherine Gallagher and sure enough, you smell like stank Bo mixed in with a tinge of Old Spice. So then you'll have a decision to make. Smell all pretty and end up with Alzheimer's or walk around smelling like a barefoot, homemade clothes wearing, dreadlocked Phish fan who lives in a TransVan all day. I'll chose the later. But dude, I smell.